Do you feel ashamed that you experience it too?

A few days ago, I participated as an expert in a mother-and-baby club and led an art-based coaching session. The topic requested in advance by the participants was shame.

One mother felt ashamed because she was angry at her little son, who slept very little and didn’t allow her to rest.
Another mother experienced shame due to a perceived loss of her femininity, which hindered intimacy in her relationship.
There was also a mother who felt ashamed about financial issues, having to manage her own and her child’s needs on a meagre parental allowance instead of earning as much as she did before giving birth.

It is also very common for mothers to feel shame over perceived intellectual stagnation during the years spent at home with their children instead of professional fulfilment.

The deep traumas I witnessed there prompted me to share my reflections with you, hoping they will be as supportive for you as they were for the women present that day.

First, what is shame?

Shame is a deeply rooted, powerful emotion that can have numerous negative effects on your behaviour and mental health. It acts like a predator, isolating you from others and separating you from your community. Yet, it can also be instructive—a catalyst for change, depending on your approach.

Shame triggers self-doubt and erodes your sense of security and confidence. It can stem from low self-esteem, a distorted self-image, or body image issues, all of which can obstruct a sense of belonging and intimacy.

Guilt or shame? It matters. What is the difference?

Guilt, when approached appropriately and paired with a willingness to take corrective action, can even be helpful. We all have a degree of selfishness and naturally strive to feel comfortable in our own skin. Guilt is experienced by psychologically and socially developed individuals. If you are aware that you have acted in a way that is wrong for yourself—or wrong toward others, making you feel bad—then in similar future situations, you can make choices that prevent frustration, self-reproach, or sadness. In other words, guilt can be addressed and corrected going forward.

If you are willing to reflect, learn, and act from the heart, you can avoid repeating the cycle.

Shame, however, when it has persisted for years as an automatic internal programme, can even become a belief, which is extremely damaging. With guilt, you can observe yourself and your actions objectively. With shame, you identify yourself with the “wrong” and condemn yourself. You feel unacceptable to the community. Shame offers no sense of redemptive possibility—it cannot be simply fixed. Thoughts such as “I don’t deserve love” exemplify this.

The first step to laying down this burden is FORGIVENESS.

Seek forgiveness from those you have hurt, but most importantly, forgive yourself. Without self-forgiveness, progress is impossible.

Next, tackle the main fuel of shame: secrecy. One of the most effective ways to weaken shame is to bring it into the open. Speak about what is happening inside you—what you fear, why you feel less than others, or why your situation seems worse than others’. Dare to open up, embrace vulnerability.

Does it sound scary? Perhaps. But once you confront it and express it, it loses its power—and your “story” becomes less compelling to others. Be mindful, however, to share your feelings only with those who have earned your trust, in a safe and supportive environment. Speak to someone you trust completely, who you know will not judge you.

If you have no one in your immediate environment, a good women’s mentor can fulfil this role. After this, you will feel lighter and can begin making decisions that support your well-being and the well-being of others.

An art-based coaching process also addresses vulnerability. When a client shares their life, fears, and weaknesses with me, these are the areas they wish to work on. In my experience—both as a client myself and with my clients—shame that is present at the beginning of sessions gradually dissipates as we dare to speak about the situations and events that triggered it. Initially, we may hesitate because we are ashamed, wanting to appear perfect and invulnerable. But as trust develops and the environment becomes safe, you realise that you are there to work on yourself and solve challenges step by step. Fear dissipates, and you begin to assert yourself confidently, saying:

“I need to increase my SELF-CONFIDENCE. I want to learn how to stand up for myself, to say no when needed, and to appreciate myself!”

In doing so, shame disappears, and by the end of your self-awareness journey, you achieve BALANCE.