When our own mother hurts us as parents
Recently, a mother came to me with a story that she herself described as “going back into being a child”. She spoke about a birthday celebration that should have been a joyful occasion, yet by the end of the day it was filled with hurt, anger and pain.
With her permission, I am sharing her story in brief.
“At the weekend we celebrated my youngest son’s birthday. There was a big fuss: lots of relatives, presents, cake – everything that can be exciting for a child and, for us parents, also quite stressful. My son, who it’s important to know has ADHD, became completely overstimulated and couldn’t settle at all. At one moment he was kicking his dad on the sofa, at another he was bored – nothing seemed to hold his attention. I tried books and Lego, but nothing worked.
His father became increasingly irritable and told him off. I tried to smooth things over. I asked him not to argue on the child’s birthday, to move elsewhere and leave our son alone for the moment. He then turned on me, saying ‘Why does he always have to adapt?’ and that ‘this is why the child has grown so big-headed’.
That alone hurt deeply, but then, from the background, my mother suddenly threw in a remark:
‘You’re terrible!’
In that moment, it felt as if she had stabbed me with a knife…
And she didn’t stop there. Later, in a hysterical tone, she commented on why we wouldn’t let the child watch 30 minutes of cartoons. By then I snapped and explained that he was being disciplined for earlier behaviour and wasn’t allowed to watch anything. Later still, when she opened a bottle of sparkling wine, she wanted to pour some for my ten-year-old son as well. At that point my partner and I both said firmly: ‘He is not allowed to drink alcohol.’
By the end of the day I was completely exhausted and, I admit, all I wanted was for us to go home.”
Why is this so difficult?
This story is far from unique. Many adults struggle with the fact that when they come into conflict with their own parents, they suddenly find themselves back in a “child role”. As if, despite already being parents, partners and adults, a single cutting remark can instantly pull us back into those old feelings:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I’m doing it wrong.”
- “Mum/Dad knows better.”
On top of this, celebrations and family gatherings are already emotionally charged situations. Many people are together, everyone has different expectations, children are overstimulated, parents are tired – and in these moments, a single sentence can wound far more deeply than it would on an ordinary weekday.
What can you do in such situations?
As an art-based coaching professional, I usually suggest looking at the situation on several levels: emotional, self-awareness and practical. Below, I’m sharing a few anchors from this perspective.
Suggested approaches through the lens of art-based coaching
1. Recognise the child role
Be able to say to yourself: “It is my child part that has been hurt now, not my adult self.” This alone can help you step back into the present moment.Exercise:
Draw two figures: one representing your child self and one your adult self. Observe how they differ in colours, size and strength. Ask yourself: What could my adult self say to my child self right now?
2. Acknowledge your own growth
In the story, my client was firm on several occasions (for example, regarding screen time and alcohol). These were decisions made by her adult self.Exercise:
Create a “success list” and write down situations from the past one or two years in which you were consistent, brave or decisive. Add symbols or colours that give you strength.
3. Separate yourself from hurtful remarks
Your mother’s or father’s comments are about them, not about you. They reflect their own patterns.Exercise:
Write down the sentence that hurt you the most on a sheet of paper. Choose a colour and paint around the feeling it evokes. Then, with another colour, cross it out and write next to it: “These are her words, not my truth.”
4. Give yourself permission to have boundaries
You have the right to say no. This is not selfishness; it is responsibility.Exercise:
Create a short “mantra” you can use next time, for example:
- “This is our rule, please respect it.”
- “I’m not asking for advice right now, thank you.”
5. Allow your feelings
It is okay if it hurts. These feelings are valid.Exercise:
Choose a colour that represents pain and paint lines, shapes or chaos with it on a sheet of paper. Then choose another colour that symbolises relief for you, and allow it to slowly “flow over” the page. This can support the process of letting go.
If this exercise resonates with you, I can recommend further methods as well:
- The Colourful Emotions image cards can support you in expressing your feelings.
- If you enjoy drawing, fractal drawing may be the most suitable approach for you.
- If you would like to explore this technique more deeply, that is also possible.
6. Prepare in advance for your next meeting
If you know your mother or father tends to make cutting remarks, it can help to prepare one or two sentences in advance that you can say calmly but firmly:- “I understand you see it differently, but this is how we’ve decided.”
- “I’m not asking for advice right now, thank you.”
- “This is our rule, please respect it.”
These situations are never easy, because they touch deep, childhood-rooted patterns. But every time you become aware that you are present as an adult and can voice your own truth, you take another step towards a freer, more authentic life. And one more important thing: you are not alone.
Many parents struggle with how to be a “good child” to their own parents while also being a good parent to their own children.
If you feel you would like to work more deeply on your relationship with your parents, I warmly invite you to the Meeting Your Inner Child individual art-based coaching process.
