How are you in your relationship?

Lately, many people have turned to me with relationship problems, so today I’m sharing a heart-lifting read on this topic.

At the beginning of a relationship, usually both partners are in love (at least in a good scenario). But it’s not certain that both are equally in love. Research shows that in these early stages, you are not in love with the other person, but with a projected image—one that comes from within you. It’s an image of how you want the other person to be, someone you can truly fall in love with. And the same goes for the other person—they are in love with their own projected image, not with you.

The more idealised this image is—or the more intense the initial infatuation—the greater the disappointment when the rose-tinted glasses start to fade and you realise that the person you have loved or thought you loved isn’t really who you imagined.

Why does this happen?

Simply put, you were in love with your desire, not the person. And if you dig deeper into where that desire comes from, the conclusion is straightforward: you long for what you never received. Typically, this was something you didn’t receive from your parents or previous partners.

This also explains why you repeat similar relationship patterns over and over. You project your unmet desires onto partners who are incapable of fulfilling them. After several cycles, resignation often sets in—you stay in longer relationships, but feel less and less satisfied.

So what’s your task? How do you break free from this vicious cycle?

Self-awareness work is crucial. You need to clarify for yourself what you lost in the other person and where your disappointment arose. If you don’t do this, you will keep projecting onto similar types of partners and experience repeated disappointment.

Step zero: get to know yourself.